


How Do I Escape This Pain?

by awkwardly_living



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Crying, Death, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay Keith (Voltron), Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Heartbreak, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, I'm so sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Keith (Voltron)-centric, Lance (Voltron) Angst, M/M, Memories, Mental Breakdown, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Tags Are Hard, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, gender-neutral pronouns for rover, im sorry, lance is stressed, rover is a human in this and is pidge's online friend, trigger warning in later chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-16 07:55:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 8,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14807339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardly_living/pseuds/awkwardly_living
Summary: Keith sighed as he stared up at the ceiling. He lay still for a moment before turning his head to look over at the clock on his nightstand. The red letters read 02:37. Keith tried to turn his phone off and go to bed, but he couldn't turn the memories off. They all swirled around him, chanting for him to remember, to open his heart up to the pain once again. He kept rolling around in bed, restless as his mind refused to shut up."Please, please come back. I need you. Please!"--------------possible trigger warnings. consult the tags, warnings, and author's notes before each chapter as they will be updated with each new chapter. I have rated it as "mature" because of how much it deals with heavy topics like self-harm and suicide.--------------finished!





	1. Sixteen Months Prior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16 months prior.  
> Keith remembers a day in an amusement park with a certain brunette.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well. hello. I was supposed to be working on the outline for my book, but I just wasn't feeling it. instead, I got caught up in memories and hurt of my own, so this happened.

     Keith sighed as he stared up at the ceiling. He lay still for a moment before turning his head to look over at the clock on his nightstand. The red letters read 02:37. 

     "Great," he huffed. Sitting up, he unplugged his phone and turned it on, staring at the wallpaper. It was a picture of him and a boy slightly taller than him with messy brown hair and tan skin. The two had their arms slung over each other's back, matching smiles on their faces. 

 

     ~~_Sixteen_ _Months Prior_~~

     "C'mon, Keith!" Lance yelled, running ahead as he dragged Keith with him. Keith yelped before grinning and running along with him. Eventually, they stopped in front of the tallest rollercoaster. Lance jabbed Keith in the side with his elbow.

     "Oh, no, you better go make sure you're tall enough to go on, Keithy," he smirked. Keith rolled his eyes and punched him in the arm. 

     "Shut up. Now, come on!" This time,  _he_ was the one pulling the other teen. 

     Five hours later, they had ridden almost all of the rides in the relatively small park and were grabbing some pizza for dinner. 

     "So, are you having fun?" Lance asked before biting into his food. Keith, mouth full of pizza, nodded. 

     They ate over simple and happy conversation before finally heading out of the pavilion. 

     "C'mon, I wanna get something for us," he said, leading Keith over to a shop near the exit of the park. They walked around inside for a bit, Keith commenting on a cute black panther stuffed animal. Lance joked about a customized knife which led to Keith scoffing and ranting about how cheap in quality the thing was. He eventually cut himself off, looking sheepish as he apologized. But Lance just smiled and laughed. Finally, he pulled Keith over to a rack of hoodies, showing him a black one with red and blue lettering that faded into purple in the middle. 

     "Wanna get matching ones?" he asked with a grin. Keith scoffed humorously and shook his head before replying, "You're such a dork." 

     "I didn't hear a nooo!" Keith laughed and nodded.

     "Sure, yes, let's get matching ones. As long as I can steal yours every once in a while." Lance grinned and bounced excitedly. He grabbed two mediums and practically bounced tigger-style to the cash register. Keith caught up just in time to see Lance slide a bunch of candy in with the sweatshirts. 

     "Seriously?"

     "Candy is the best, Keith, and you're gonna learn to love it!" 

     The employee looked at the two, amused as they bagged the purchases. Lance gave them the money before the two teens left. They walked out to the parking lot and stopped at Lance's beat up car. Lance put the bag on the hood and pulled out the sweatshirts. He handed one to Keith before pulling the other on for himself, messing up his hair along the way. Keith looked at him questioningly.

   "I wanna take a picture, so we'll always remember this. No matter what." So they did, with smiling faces the center of the picture. 

 

_~~-Now-~~ _

      ~~~~ ~~~~"I'll never forget," Keith whispered. He bowed his head, memories of that day swarming. It had been their one year anniversary of being together, and Keith had suggested to celebrate it by visiting the amusement park where they first told each other how they felt and finally became more than rivals or friends.

 

     Oh how times change. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this is trash.  
> 


	2. Fifteen Months Prior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 15 months ago.  
> Keith is being a responsible student, and Lance decides he guesses he should too. sorta. he mostly just wanted to hang out with Keith soooo,,, [mood]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I've spent the entire night listening to my mom basically bashing everything lgbt+. yay. this has been very awkward. they're still talking about how "wrong" it is, and i'm just here writing about two boys who love each other and are honestly relationship goals. welp lol. also apparently she thinks that whenever a guy does anything remotely feminine, he's automatically gay. same with artists. like, what the heck?

         Keith tried to turn his phone off and go to bed, but he couldn't turn the memories off. They all swirled around him, chanting for him to remember, to open his heart up to the pain once again. He kept rolling around in bed, restless as his mind refused to shut up. Finally, he sat up and pulled out his phone. He went into his texts and was about to message Pidge to see if they were still awake, but he stopped, instead scrolling down a bit. At the sight of a particular thread of texts, his face softened as sadness and longing practically oozed from him. 

     "Lance," he breathed.

 

_~~Fifteen Months Prior~~_

_~~~~Lancelot:_ Keeiiithhhh 

 

 _Kogane:_ lance, it's two am

 _Kogane:_ why are you still up

 

 _Lancelot:_ Why are /u/ still up? 

 

 _Kogane:_ touché.

 _Kogane:_ what's up

 

 _Lancelot:_ Noooothin! Just wanted to talk to my boyf that a crime?

 

 _Kogane:_ well, no, but you typically don't text this late unless there's something you want to talk about.

 

 _Lancelot:_ Nah, was just bored

 _Lancelot:_ Why r u up anyway?

 

 _Kogane:_ decided I should probably work on the summer homework we got since school's starting in a week

 

 _Lancelot:_ hECk

 

 _Kogane:_ let me guess, it's still in your backpack untouched

 

 _Lancelot:_...MAYHAPS

 _Lancelot:_ So, Keith,,,

 

 _Kogane:_ sigh. yes, ill help you with it. 

 

 _Lancelot:_ bLESSED TRULY BLESSED

 

 _Kogane:_ better believe it.

 

 _Lancelot:_...Shiro there?

 

 _Kogane:_ no, he's over at adam's

 

 _Lancelot:_ yEET BE OVER IN 20

 

 _Kogane:_ why am i not surprised

 

      ~~ ** _Now_**~~

     Keith smiled, remembering that night. They had spent an admittedly small amount of the time actually working on the school work, the majority of it being spent lying in bed and just talking. They did that a lot, jumping randomly from topic to topic. It had been nice to just forget the world for a while. Keith's smile slipped. He yearned to go back in time and have those precious moments with Lance back for just once. Just one more time. Alas, those times were gone. 


	3. Fifteen Months Prior Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith thinks back to the last night before the start of their last year of high school [what are you called when you're in your last year? I'm homeschooled and don't know this crap]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i'm alive
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> sub to pewdiepie

     It had been their last year of high school. Keith remembered the night before the first day of school. Their squad, well, the ones still in school at least, had gathered at the Garretts' house for one last sleepover. Keith smiled at the memory. 

     

_~~Fifteen Months Prior Part Two~~_

~~~~The group had taken over the living room of Hunk's house, mostly for the tv, but also for the comfortable couches. Hunk had fallen asleep on Shay's shoulder about halfway into the second Back to the Future movie, and Shay had succumb to sleep soon after. The remaining three had watched the rest of the movie before turning the tv off. Pidge was on their laptop most likely talking to their online friend, Rover. Lance and Keith had taken over the other couch and were settling down to try to sleep.

     "Hey Keith?" Lance said quietly rom his place on Keith's chest. 

     "Yeah?" Keith replied. 

     "What do you think is going to happen this year?"

     "What do you mean?" Keith asked after a moment, looking down at his boyfriend. 

     "Well, it's our last year of high school, you know? And, what if our group falls apart? I mean, we've all been friends for years, but how many high school friendships actually make it out of high school intact?"

     "Lance, I doubt that we're going to fall apart."

     "But how can you know?" Keith paused. Lance had his anxieties; they all did, but he had not said anything like this before.

     "Because we're not your typical group of friends. We're... We're family." Keith gently ran his fingers through Lance's hair. 

     "Since when did you get all sappy?" Lance said with a light chuckle as he lifted his head to look at Keith. Keith shrugged and smiled softly. 

     "C'mon, we should try to get some sleep. I don't want to have to keep waking you up the whole day in school." Lance nodded and put his head back down. The room was quiet for a bit before Lance broke the silence with a whisper. 

     "Thank you, Keith." 

     "We're going to get through high school together, Lance. We're all here for each other." Keith whispered. "Us against the world."

 

      ~~ _Now_~~

    Keith sniffed, swiping at his eyes. He wished to go back to that night, to hold onto Lance for just a bit longer. What happened to them against the world? What happened to them always having each other's backs? Keith shook his head sharply. He needed to get out. He needed to stop thinking. Grabbing some pants and Lance's sweatshirt from their last trip to the amusement park, he headed out of his room. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof can anyone guess where i'm going with this yet? i'm not putting anything in the tags just yet bc sPOILERS. for my fic, not the show. 
> 
> well until next chapter, see you later, paladudes.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [sub to pewds]


	4. Fourteen Months Prior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance is sad™ and Keith is a good boyf.  
> WE STAN A SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeet the train for "rory hates themselves and so here's a pile of angst" has arrived
> 
> oof
> 
> anyway, no one's guessed correctly what happened and why Keith's so sad, so comment if you have a guess. 
> 
> sub to pewdiepie
> 
> unstan vld season 8 except for the klance sunset scene which gave me Life

     Keith snagged his keys from a table in the main hallway before heading out the door. He got in his car and turned the keys in the slot, hearing the engine fire up to life. Without a clue as to where he was headed, he turned the car out of the driveway and into the dark night. 

_~~Fourteen Months Prior~~_

_~~~~Lancelot:_ Hey

 

 _Kogane:_ hey

 _Kogane:_ how are you feeling?

 

 _Lancelot:_ Like crap

 

 

 _Kogane:_ do you want me to come over?

 

 _Lancelot:_ Could we go to the beach?

 

 _Kogane:_ of course 

 _Kogane:_ i'll be over in ten

 _Kogane:_ love you

 

 _Lancelot:_ Love you too

 _Lancelot:_ <3

 

     Keith looked at Lance worriedly as he slid into the passenger's seat of the car. Neither teen said anything as Keith drove out of the McClain's driveway. Lance rolled down the window and stuck his arm out, letting the wind pass through his fingers.

     After a few minutes, Lance whispered, "I'm-" he stopped himself. Keith knew what he wanted to say, but he knew that Lance knew he didn't need to say it. Lance looked down at his lap and pulled at his sweatshirt. Keith lay his right hand between the seats as an open invitation. After a glance and a moment of hesitance, Lance took Keith's hand in his own. 

    Keith pulled the car up to park on the side of the road, but didn't move to get out of the car. He squeezed Lance's hand and gave him a small smile. Lance barely smiled back, but he squeezed his hand. Taking a deep breath, Lance let go of Keith's hand and climbed out of the car. 

 

    ~~_**Now**_~~

    Keith rested his head against the steering wheel as he struggled to hold back tears. He hated himself for taking him here. He hated that he still knew every route to get here. He hated that this is the only place he'd ever end up anyway. 

     He couldn't stay here. He knew the sorrow and the memories would overtake him if he did. 

     He couldn't leave. He needed to face this.

     He needed to face this, even if he had to face it alone. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so the next chapter's gonna be more angsty just fyi
> 
> idk when it's coming, but it should be soon. basically whenever i feel like the owie feelings are back so yeet
> 
> until next time, guys, gals, and non-binary pals [i love you if you get that reference]


	5. Fourteen Months Prior Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so much angst, man. oof.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what the frick even is the musical my fair lady like the only part I liked was when the woman said, "oh what a disagreeable surprise." bc mood  
> K SO I FINISHED WATCHING IT AND I AM READY TO FIGHT MOST OF THESE CHARACTERS BC THEY'RE ALMOST ALL SEXIST AND JUST GAH THIS MOVIE MAKES ME SO MAD
> 
> this chapter took longer to write than I thought, so, sorry. it has been so far the hardest to write. there will be worse ones, but ya know. this chapter resurfaced a lot of repressed memories that I wasn't to keen to re-live.

     Keith took a deep breath and shut off the car, hands shaking. 

     "I need to do this," he whispered, clenching his hands into fists. "It's been a year. I-I can do this." Finally, he gathered every last ounce of courage he had and opened the car door, finally stepping out. 

     ~~_Fourteen Months Prior Part Two_~~

 ~~~~Lance's hand slipped into Keith's as the two walked down the short, sandy path to the beach. Neither said anything. Keith glanced over at Lance. He grew more concerned to see Lance's jaw clenched and shoulders tight. He gave Lance's hand a light squeeze, hoping that his message came across, that he was there, that he loved him.

     They finally reached the beach, pausing for a moment to look out at the ocean. It was almost a full moon, the light from it reflecting radiantly on the water. 

      "It's beautiful," Lance breathed. 

      "So are you," Keith replied softly, earning him a small smile. Lance extracted his hand from Keith's for a moment and bent down to slip off his shoes. Keith grinned slightly and took off his own shoes, intertwining their hands once again. They walked down towards the water and stood in the shallow water wiggling their toes in the wet sand. The water was chilly, but not too cold to be freezing. 

     "Can-can we go for a walk?" Lance asked quietly. 

     Keith smiled softly and said, "Of course." 

     The two, still hand in hand, strolled on the beach in silence. They walked for a bit before Keith glanced over at Lance again. He stopped as he noticed tears rolling down his face. 

     "Lance?" Lance ducked his head, hiding his face in his hand. "Hey, hey, look at me."

     "I-I'm sorry," Lance forced out, a strangled sob rising from his throat. 

     "No, no, you don't need to be sorry," Keith assured him. "Do-do you want a hug?"

     Lance looked at him, tears still filling his eyes, and nodded slowly. Keith opened his arms and pulled him into his chest. Lance melted into him. His hands snagged the back of Keith's sweatshirt. 

     Lance's cries broke Keith's heart. They started off soft, but quickly grew into full on sobs. Keith rubbed his back gently and kissed his head. He couldn't believe that he hadn't noticed Lance bottling this all up. They could usually read each other fairly well. At least Lance had sought him out for help. 

     "I'm here, Lance. I'm here, and I'm not ever leaving you." 

      ~~ _Now_~~

    Keith hugged his knees to his chest, his own cries filling the silence. He should have been there more. He should have seen it coming! He was so  _stupid._ It was all his fault. He needed Lance. He needed him back. 

     "Please," he sobbed, "please come back. I-I need you. Please!"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you tell i'm weak for hand holding bc I think I made it quite obvious
> 
> go listen to forgettable by Project 46 [ft. Olivia]  
> oh and also falling to pieces by junior doctor cause dam it actually works kinda well for this story. [actually reading the lyrics again, it's almost perfect for these two in this story.]
> 
> If you want to read another angsty [eventual klance] mess, [although the chapters are a lot longer and actually proofread], check out my other fic [The Masks We Wear](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17532074/chapters/41307764)
> 
> If you want more lighthearted klance, check out my other fic [Wrong Number](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16185851/chapters/37822859)  
> 


	6. Fourteen Months Prior Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a heck of a lot more angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, I have some exciting news. exciting for me, anyways. i'm singing again! I haven't sung randomly around the house or anytime really in a long while, but now that ive been on some different antidepressants, i'm able to sing again! it's funny, I never really realized how much i've missed it. maybe I hadn't missed it. Either way, i'm happy to want to sing again.  
> speaking of music, go listen to Robin Hood by Anson Seabra cause it's really good and i'm currently listening to it on repeat.  
>  **TRIGGER WARNING**  
>  _suicidal thoughts, implied/referenced self harm._ stay safe, guys  <3

  ~~~~ _~~Fourteen Months Prior Part Three~~_

      The two eventually sank to their knees. Keith kept his arms around Lance; he just kept holding him. Knowing how Lance's mind had a tendency to run wild in the worst way in the silence, he started to hum softly. It was the song that he had heard Mrs. McClain sing to her children. It was the song that he had heard Lance sing to him when his own mind was too much. The words were in Spanish, but he could hum it just fine.

     As the song went on, Lance's cries became quieter. His shaking became less obvious. His grip on Keith's sweatshirt slowly loosened. When his tears had finally run out, he didn't make a move to extract himself from Keith's embrace. 

     "I'm sorry," Lance whispered. 

     Keith held him tighter. "You don't need to apologize. You never have to apologize for something like this." Lance didn't say anything back. "Can I ask what's wrong?"

     Lance laughed humorlessly and pulled away a bit, gaze fixed to the ground. "It'd be easier to ask what isn't wrong." He swiped at his eyes. Keith reached out and laid a hand on Lance's, loose enough for Lance to pull away if he needed to. Lance took that as encouragement to keep talking and continued. "I just-it's all so much, you know? I want it to just stop."

     "Just want what to stop?" Lance didn't respond. "Lance?"

     "Sorry, I-I didn't mean that," Lance said, pulling his hand out from under Keith's. "We, uh, we should probably be heading back." He made as if to get up, but Keith's hand around his wrist halted him. 

     "You did mean that. You wouldn't have said it otherwise." Lance looked away again, hands clenching into fists. "Am I right?" Keith questioned. Lance just nodded slowly. "Talk to me," Keith said softly, letting his hand fall into Lance's. 

     Lance didn't speak for a little while, and Keith let him take all the time he needed.  Finally he broke the silence. "I'm scared," he said, voice quiet and broken. "I-I'm scared that one day I won't be here anymore. I'm scared that I want that."

     Keith's breath caught when he realized what Lance meant. He wanted to believe that this was just the result of a rough week and a sleepless night, but he knew it wasn't. He had seen the signs. He knew the signs from himself. 

     "I, um, I did it again," Lance said, trying desperately to keep his voice from wavering. "It was, gods, Keith, it was bad. I've never done it that bad before." Lance's eyes filled with tears once again. "I-I'm-" he cut himself off.  Bowing his head, he shook his head, trying to keep the tears back. He hated fully crying. 

     "Lance, I-I think we need to go see Coran again. Have you been taking the Prozac?"

     Lance shook his head. He hated taking the Prozac. It messed with his sleep and made him constantly thirsty and dry-mouthed. 

     Keith sighed. "Okay. Well, we can try a new medica-"

     "No. I don't want to take anything else."

     "Lance-"

     "No. I'm sick of relying on meds to just feel normal. It's not fair!" Lance sniffed, angrily swiping the tears away. 

     "Alright, well, either way, we need to talk to someone about this." Lance nodded slowly once again. Keith kissed him gently on the forehead, saying, "I'm so sorry, Lance. I'm sorry you have to through this." Lance shrugged. 

     "Can-can we go home now? I just want to sleep." 

     "Of course. Mine, yours, or separate?" Keith asked, getting up and helping Lance up. 

     "Yours." 

     "Ok. Don't forget to text your mom where you are." Lance nodded in acknowledgement. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're ever feeling like Lance, please talk to someone. Here's some hotlines:  
>  **Depression:** 1-630-482-9696  
>  **Suicide:** 1-800-784-8433  
>  stay safe, guys. Please know that fighting for yourself to get better is good and valid. Antidepressants and things of the sort might seem like they give you a "fake happy," but really, they're just to help you trigger your own true "happy," and they can help you. don't feel ashamed to be on them. I love you guys, and I hope you are all doing alright.  
> until next time :) <3


	7. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short keith-centric chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna add this to the end of the last chapter, but I wanted to stick to the shorter chapter theme. [plus I ran out of time to finish it in time if I want to keep a consistent upload schedule. I mean, no one really sees this anyway, but I want to prove to myself that I can keep it going and finish.]

      _ ~~Now~~_

 ~~~~Keith sat on the beach, knees hugged to his chest. His tears had run dry ages ago, leaving him alone and empty. He stared out at the ocean, his face emotionless. So many things were crowding his mind. He wanted nothing more than to just forget it all, but he couldn't. The memories were all that he had left. He couldn't lose those too.

     He looked down the beach. If he squinted, he could almost pretend that he could see a familiar smiling figure running towards him. He shook his head, trying to clear the thought from his mind. He couldn't do this. He couldn't lose himself again. It had been a year! How was he still such a mess? 

     "Why can't I just move on?" Keith cried up at the sky. He bowed his head.

     He needed to cry.

     He needed to get it out.

     It was still there.

     The hurt was still there. 

     The pain was still built up.

     It wasn't enough.

     He needed it to stop.

     He needed it to STOP. 

     Keith let out a whimper and buried his head in his knees and pulled at his hair. The tears wouldn't form. The relief wouldn't come.

     "Please," he whispered pitifully. "I'm sorry."

     The dark night surrounded him as he sat alone on an island of suffering. The ocean that had once been a calming guard around him now threatened to draw him in and drown him. The waves grew closer and closer to his huddled form. The storm in his mind was ongoing. He couldn't stop it. 

     He didn't deserve to stop it. 

     It was his fault.

     It was all his fault.

     It should have been him.

     He should have done better.

     He should have been better. 

     He failed. 

     He failed the person who meant the most to him.

     And now he's alone.

     Just like he deserved. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I might take a break from this. this chapter was extremely hard for me to write. I thought that I could write this without triggering myself all over again, but I can't. I _can't_. 
> 
>  
> 
> I miss him.


	8. Thirteen Months Prior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> self-harm trigger warning 
> 
> just assume that every chapter's gonna be angst tbh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> frick
> 
> yeah so I had a panic attack after finishing the last chapter and then ended up in this depressive slump and now im writing this cause why not make me hate myself more hahaha
> 
> anyway so don't follow my example and please take care of yourself. if you think that this is going to be triggering, please please do not read. your mental health is more important than a story.
> 
> that being said,,,
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING**  
>  _suicidal thoughts, depression, and fairly explicit self harm in the form of cutting_

      ~~~~ _ ~~Now~~_

 ~~~~Keith finally pulled himself together enough to stumble back to his car, collapsing into the driver's seat. He let himself just breath for a few moments before finally starting up the car. He drove out of the parking lot, face as emotionless as stone. His body was tense as he refused to look back. He drove aimlessly, just wanting to stop thinking. Of course, his mind had other ideas.

      ~~ _Thirteen Months Prior_~~

 ~~~~Keith knocked on the McClain's front door for the second time. He listened closely but couldn't hear any noise coming from the inside. Growing concerned, he finally just got the key out from under the mat and unlocked the door. He quickly replaced the key under the mat and headed inside.

     "Hello? Lance?" he called, waiting for some sort of response. It didn't seem like anyone was home, but Lance had said he was sick earlier that day, so he doubted that Lance wouldn't be home. Lance was kind of a wimp when it came to being sick. 

     Keith looked around the first floor, not finding anyone. Finally, he started up the stairs. As he got to the second floor, he could finally hear something. It sounded like... someone crying. 

     "Lance?" Keith called out again. He walked towards Lance's room, pausing at the door. He knocked quietly. "Lance, can I come in?" The crying stopped, but he didn't hear any reply. "I'm going to come in, ok?" He still didn't hear a reply. Opening the door slowly, he stepped inside. 

     Keith inhaled sharply when he saw his boyfriend. Lance was sitting on his bed, knees hugged to his chest. His pants were somewhere on the floor, leaving him with a shirt and boxers. However, what really caught Keith's attention, was the shiny blade on the bed and the blood trailing down Lance's legs. 

     "Lance," Keith breathed. He walked towards him slowly. Lance didn't look up at him or acknowledge him at all. Keith sat down next to him gently. "Hey, are you with me?" 

     Lance shrugged in response nearly imperceptibly and sniffled, gaze still locked on the floor.

     "Can I see?" Keith asked softly. He knew that Lance would understand what he meant. Lance didn't move for a few moments. Keith waited, and didn't push him to say or do anything just yet. Finally, Lance let his legs fall from his grasp, and hang off the bed. He kept his arms hugged around himself. 

     Keith winced at the sight of Lance's cuts. He hadn't seen him do it that badly before.

     "Can I?" he asked, reaching towards Lance's legs. Lance nodded. Keith quickly grabbed the tissue box on Lance's nightstand and pressed a few tissues to the cuts. When they didn't seem to be stopping the bleeding, he looked up at Lance's face. 

     "I need to get something more, ok? I'll be right back, Lance, I promise." Lance finally met his eyes. After a heartbreaking moment, he finally nodded. Keith squeezed his knee lightly before getting up and heading quickly into the bathroom. He grabbed a few rags from the cabinet, a roll of gauze, and scissors. 

      Keith left the door open behind him a bit as he walked back into lance's bedroom. He dropped the supplies on the bed and sat next to Lance once again. Lance glanced his way for a moment. Keith sighed when he saw Lance's fingers digging into his arms.

     "Lance," he said softly, gently taking Lance's hands in his. "You're going to be ok. I'm here. You're not alone."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway, the next chapter's gonna be more angst [woah, who would've guessed?] and there's probably gonna be some strong language in it too. i will accept criticism on my writing, but not the story plot itself. i am writing this based on my experience, although i have obviously changed some things, so i would appreciate it if you did not criticize that part of it. thank you.
> 
> Here are some hotlines if you ever need them:  
> Depression: 1-630-482-9696  
> Suicide: 1-800-784-8433  
> stay safe, and stay alive <3
> 
> until next Friday.


	9. Thirteen Months Prior Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aNgSt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go listen to next to normal bc it's legit the best musical ive ever seen
> 
> this chapter was really triggering for me, but it also kind of helped me to write it. that being said,,
> 
>  
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING**  
>  _referenced self-harm, strong language, suicidal thoughts and discussion of suicide_

      _ ~~Thirteen Months Prior Part Two~~_

 ~~~~Keith finally finished wrapping up Lance's cuts. He threw away the now bloody rags and put the gauze roll and scissors back in the bathroom. Stopping the bleeding and making sure that Lance was going to physically be ok, however, was only half of the battle.

     "Hey," he said, sitting down next to Lance on the bed. Lance didn't reply and kept his legs hugged to his chest. "You know we have to talk about this, right?" Lance just shrugged. Keith sighed. "Lance. This isn't..." Keith stopped. He knew that this was going to go nowhere.

     "Isn't what?" Lance said suddenly. 

     "Well, it's not-"

     "Not normal? Not ok? Not healthy? No shit, Sherlock!" Lance voice rose as he kept talking, pushing himself up from the bed. "None of this is fucking normal! I mean, I'm here tearing my fucking legs apart because I hate myself that damn much! On top of that, I'm making you have to deal with my shit while also triggering you!" Keith opened his mouth to refute Lance's statement, but Lance cut him off. "Don't even say that that's not true. I'm not an idiot, Keith. We both know that you're not ok either." Lance exhaled sharply and paced around his room, grabbing at his hair and pulling. 

     "Lance," Keith said softly. His heart broke for the boy. He had been getting so much better, but the last few months, he had just fallen apart. Keith had no idea what to do to help. He was scared. He was scared that he was going to lose the one person who meant the most to him. He'd already been through that with his dad; he couldn't bear to go through that with Lance. 

     Keith got up and walked slowly to Lance. "Hey," he murmured, gently prying Lance's hands away from his hair. Lance didn't resist, looking away from Keith. "We're going to get through this.  _You're_ going to get through this." Keith held Lance's hands in his own. 

     Lance sniffled, still not meeting Keith's eyes. "This is stupid," he muttered. 

     "What's stupid?"

     Lance extracted his hands from Keith's. "This! I'm a mess about some stupid shit while you've dealt with worse and you're here having to take care of me! It's fucked up, Keith.  _We're_ fucked up!"

     "Lance-"

     "I'm serious! We cut ourselves when we feel like shit even though it makes us feel worse. I mean, how much more fucked up can it get? One of these days, one of us is going to cut too deep, and there'll be no turning back."

     "Don't say that," Keith said forcefully. "Don't you dare fucking say that."

     Lance laughed humorlessly. "But it's true! I'm not wrong. It's only a matter of time, Keith." Lance's voice dropped to nearly a whisper. "It's a miracle I'm still alive now." 

     Keith couldn't say anything. He was frozen in place. Where had this come from? What was causing Lance to get this bad? A tear slipped from his eye unnoticed. "Lance... Why didn't you tell me it was getting this bad?" Keith asked quietly, gently taking Lance's hand in his own.

     Lance's gaze remained stubbornly on the floor. He shrugged. "Would it have mattered?" he finally replied, voice so quiet that Keith barely heard him. 

      "What? Of course it would have mattered! I could have helped. I could have been here for you."

      Lance pulled his hand from Keith's grasp. "What good would that have been? I would've just ruined you too."

      "That's not-"

      "Don't even. I'm not an idiot, Keith. You can't help me just like I can't help you. This daydream that we're going to somehow 'fix' each other is ridiculous, and you know it."

     Keith just stared at the boy in front of him. He was so foreign to him. Where did his Lance go? Was he ever really there in the first place? 

     Lance shook his head. "I'm gonna get a shower or something. Do whatever you want." He left the room, leaving the door open behind him.

     Keith stood frozen for a moment. Finally, gathering his thoughts enough to do so, he left. He knew he shouldn't. He knew he should stay and talk about this. Instead, he ran. He was always running. Running from his dad's death, running from his past, running from his future. And now, now he was running from his own boyfriend.

     Was he really his boyfriend? Was he really Lance? Why hadn't he ever seen him like this before? Did he... did he cause this? Was Lance's breakdown his fault? 

     So many questions swirled in his head. He didn't know how to answer any of them. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof I wrote this a few weeks ago so r.i.p.
> 
> go check out nico Collins; his music is really good. 
> 
> this is so far the longest chapter bc I smushed two chapters into one bc the second one was too short and they fit together sooooo yeah
> 
> ok im tired so bye


	10. Thirteen Months Prior Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> woah, who would've guessed! there's more angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so have yall seen the umbrella academy yet because hOLY FRICKING SCHIST YALL THAT STUFF HURTED
> 
>  
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING**  
>  _reference to suicidal thoughts and self harm_

      ~~ _Now_~~

 ~~~~Keith's hands clenched the steering wheel like his life depended on it. Perhaps it did. He had been driving for a while, but he didn't know nor care how long it had been. His mind had been on autopilot, steering him down roads he was surprised to discover that he even remembered. He knew where he was heading to, but he couldn't admit it to himself. He couldn't go back.

     _~~Thirteen Months Prior Part Three~~_

 ~~~~Lance was back in counseling. He still refused to be put back on any meds and reacted negatively if anyone even brought it up. Keith tried to get him to at least talk about it, but he wouldn't even talk to Keith about it.

     Keith was perplexed. Lance's mental health had seemed to just go spiraling down out of nowhere. He was scared at what Lance might do. He knew how it felt, to an extent, to want to end everything, but he still couldn't seem to help Lance. He hated it. He hated feeling helpless. 

     That being said, he continued to stick by Lance. He couldn't leave him. He loved him. He could never stop loving him. 

     "You're thinking too loud," Lance grumbled from behind him on the bed. 

     "That's not a thing, Lance."

     Lance groaned. "Yeah, well, it's gotta be, because it's keeping me up."

     Keith rolled his eyes, rolling onto his side to face Lance. Lance was lying on his back, staring up at the glow-in-the-dark-stars littered on his ceiling. 

     "You ok?" Keith asked quietly. Lance offered no reply, tired of lying. Keith sighed. He gently took Lance's hand in his own and kissed Lance's knuckles softly. Lance shifted until his head rested slightly against Keith's. The two lay together for a while, neither speaking. They knew that they probably should have slept, but they didn't care. This was their time. This was their own little bubble of time and space. 

     "What do you think your future's gonna be like?" Lance asked, nearly inaudibly.

     Keith propped himself up on his elbow to look down at him. "Where did that come from?"

     Lance shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I was just wondering who you see yourself becoming." 

     Keith sighed and lay back down. "I don't know. Maybe an artist." Keith looked over at Lance. "You?"

     Lance just shrugged again. 

     "What about a teacher? You're always great with kids." 

     "I guess."

     Keith didn't like his answer. Lance had wanted to be a teacher for years, but lately, he had been acting like he didn't care what he ended up doing. That terrified Keith. Lance was always looking forward and worrying about what was to come. Now, it seemed like it didn't matter to him anymore. 

     Keith watched as Lance rolled to sit up, leaning over to rifle through his drawer in his nightstand. He pulled out a few colorful knotted bracelets. 

     "Here," he said quietly, holding the bracelets out to Keith. "I want you to have these."

     Keith sat up, not moving to take them. "What? But the twins made these for you."

     "Yeah, well now I want you to have them. Is that such a big deal?"

     "Yes, it is! You rarely even take them off."

     "So what? I don't need them for anything anymore." 

     Keith reached to fold Lance's fingers over the bracelets in his hand. "I'm not taking these. They're yours. Even if you don't see the value in them, just think of how devastated Luis and Sora would be to find out they're gone." Keith thought that maybe they weren't just talking about bracelets anymore. He didn't want to think about what that meant. 

     Lance looked away. "Fine," he finally said, voice emotionless. He placed the bracelets back in the drawer before crawling back into bed, back towards Keith in a silent defiance. 

     Keith was scared. He didn't know how to help him. He didn't even know if he could.

     He knew the thoughts. He knew the weight of the scars. He knew that Lance was slipping.

     And that was terrifying.  

 ~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyone who's read literally any of my other vld fics knows that I can't not include the glow-in-the-dark-stars bc ive wanted them since I was a kid and that's gonna be the first thing I get once I get an apartment [in like 3 years]
> 
>  **important talk here.**  
>  You know how people will tell you that you need to live for yourself in order to get better? Well I'm here to tell you that that's bullshit. You need to live for whatever will help you stay alive. I know that I lived for Twenty One Pilots for a while. It's ok to live for a tv show. It's ok to live for your mom. or your dog. or cat. or fill in the blank. _it's ok to live for a reason that might seem meaningless to other people._ If people tell you different, then they've obviously never been in that situation. Please, stay alive. Every one of you is so important and amazing. 
> 
> **if you ever need to vent or talk or anything, please don not hesitant to message me. i'm here for you.** if you'd rather message me privately, my pinterest [sorry, it's all I have] is roryrin [the shown username is rory nighthawk ||-//, but that won't show up unless you search roryrin.] 
> 
> take care <3


	11. Twelve Months Prior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some small happiness in this chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my beautiful humans :)  
> how are you all doing? 
> 
> miraculously, there's really no trigger warning needed for this chapter. if you think that there should be a trigger warning, please, do let me know, and I will add one. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy :)

      ~~ _Twelve Months Prior_~~ ~~~~

Lance was getting worse. He rarely hung out with their friend group anymore, and whenever he did, he mostly just sat there, face emotionless. His counselor had talked to Mrs. McClain and made it known that he was worried about Lance's safety. the counselor had said that they were worried about Lance going to something worse than self-harm.

     Mrs. McClain, understandably, was extremely worried. She made sure that he was almost never alone, which usually had almost the opposite effect than desired. 

     Either way, Keith was glad she did. He was worried himself.

     He and the rest of their friend group, "Voltron," as they call themselves, sat together in Lance's room attempting to do homework. Keith kept glancing over at Lance.

     Earlier, at lunch, Lance had lost it. The group had been just talking about different projects they had to do, when he suddenly slammed his hands down on the table and walked out of the cafeteria. None of them followed him, knowing that that would just make it worse. Keith had texted him to make sure that he was ok while still giving him space, and Lance just replied with "I'm fine."

      None of them had mentioned the incident yet, but it was obvious that they were thinking about it. 

     "Alright, who wants to play uno?" Pidge asked, pulling a deck of uno cards from their backpack. 

     "Oh no," Hunk said. "This always ends up badly."

     Lance shrugged and got down on the floor with the others. "I'll play." Hunk reluctantly agreed to play as well, and Keith, of course, did as well. 

     The games started out sort of tense, no one quite knowing how to act around Lance. Finally he sighed and broke the uncomfortable silence. 

     "You know you guys can talk, right?"

     The other three shared awkward glances. "We didn't want to overwhelm you, buddy," Hunk said, shifting anxiously. 

     Lance scoffed, but not condescendingly. "Guys, it's me; it's Lance, you remember? I'm still me. Just because I feel like shit half the time doesn't mean I'm some fragile doll."

     "Sorry, dude," Pidge said quietly. Lance rolled his eyes, ruffling their hair. "Now that that's done, uno!" Pidge gave a mischievous grin, letting a card fall from their had and onto the pile. 

     "Too late," Keith said, smirking as he placed his only card on top of theirs. 

     Lance groaned and tossed his cards in the air, letting himself fall onto his back. "That's it; I give up."

     "Aw, but you've played so well," Keith teased. Lance swatted his leg. 

     Silence fell over the room for a bit. Finally, Hunk broke it. "Lance?"

     Lance turned his head to look at him. "Yeah?"

     Hunk shifted nervously. "What-what happened today at lunch?"

     Lance pushed himself up into a sitting position and shrugged. "I don't know. I just-it was just all too loud." He shrugged again

     "Did we-"

     "No, no, you didn't do anything. Just my stupid fricking brain." Lance snorted humorlessly. 

     "Hey," Keith said, holding out his hand. Lance took it. "We're here, you know? We're here for you." Lance gave him a small smile and scooted over to seat closer to him. Pidge leaned forward and placed their hand on Lance's-still wrapped in Keith's. Hunk followed suit. Keith smiled at his boyfriend, hoping that Lance saw how much he was loved. Lance smiled back and rested his head on Keith's shoulder. 

      Lance blinked, eyes growing teary. "Thank you," he said quietly. 

 

~~~~ _~~~~~~~~~~Now~~_

     He was good that night. 

     He was happy!

     Why did that have to change? 

     Why couldn't they have stayed in that night for forever?

     Why did everyone always leave him?  

     

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a great day/night! 
> 
> see ya next Friday :)
> 
> [at the time of editing this there's 666 hits :P]


	12. Twelve Months Prior Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah, um, good luck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING**   
>  _mentions/heavy references to suicide_

       ~~ _Twelve Months Prior Part Two_~~

     Keith knew something was wrong. Lance had been avoiding him all week. He wouldn't have thought too much of it, but he was not only ignoring Keith, but everyone else as well. He wouldn't talk to anyone, and barely let anyone touch him. Keith tried to not let it hurt him, but he couldn't help it. His boyfriend was hurting, and he didn't know how to help.

     Lance's therapist had suggested taking him to a psych hospital, but Mrs. McClain refused. She didn't want to leave him in a place like that. Instead, she had him share a room with his twin sister, Rachel. Lance was furious when she had told him that he couldn't even sleep on his own anymore. He yelled at her. 

     The rest of the friend group tried to keep their distance, but Keith couldn't. He needed to help. He needed to do  _something._ He loved Lance; he wasn't about to let that change. 

     Now, however, Lance wouldn't even let him come near him without scampering off. They texted sometimes, but Keith felt like even then Lance was distant. 

     Keith knew that he couldn't focus on this constantly, but it was hard not to. He was scared. Scared what Lance might do to himself when given the chance.

     Assuring himself that everything was fine, he went back to working on his homework. 

     He couldn't focus. 

     He had to see him.

     He had to be sure that he was ok.  

     Just a quick visit and he'd go home.

     Keith took a deep breath and got up, grabbing his sweatshirt and phone on his way downstairs. "I'm going to Lance's!" he called, taking his keys and shoving on his boots. His hands were shaking as he got in the car. "It'll be ok. He's going to be fine," he murmured to himself. 

     Keith reached the McClains' house and shot off the car, stumbling out. He knocked on the door, trying not to just burst through the door. When he got no answer, he finally just grabbed the hidden outside key and let himself in. 

     He looked around the first floor. It didn't seem like they were home. He silently berated himself, thinking that he should've just texted or called. He was about to leave when he heard a noise upstairs. 

     "Hello?" he called, heading up the stairs. Keith figured he should check Lance's room first. He opened the door and stepped in.

     "No, no no no NO!" 

     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see you next week


	13. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith reflects on that night a year ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING**   
>  _panic attack, implied/referenced suicide, depressive thoughts_

      ~~ _Now_~~

     Keith pulled over on the side of the road, stopping the car. He knew where he was. He wish he didn't. He hadn't been here since that night. He hadn't been here since his world turned upside down. 

     He turned the car off. He felt numb. His chest felt tight, and he struggled to breathe. He fisted his hands in his hair, his eyes clenched tightly closed. Tears filled his eyes. His body shook, and his mind grew foggy. He couldn't think. He couldn't feel. The memories of the night wouldn't leave him alone. They were always there. The pain was always there. He couldn't escape it. 

     He was never the same. He never could be. His life was gone. His life had left him. He had nothing left, just pain. He couldn't escape the pain. He couldn't escape any of it. He was trapped. He couldn't save himself. No one else could save him either. He didn't deserve to be saved. He deserved to be lost. Lost in the pain. Lost in the memories. Lost in the grief. Lost in the guilt. Lost in himself. Lost. 

     Lost.

     Lost.

     Lost.

 

 

     A sob escaped from his throat. It was all too much. It hurt. It hurt so much, and he couldn’t stop it. It just got worse. It would keep getting worse- until it eventually completely overtook him.

     “I’m sorry,” Keith choked out. He pulled at his hair.

_stop._

_Stop._

_STOP._

_Make it stop._

_I can’t-_

_I can’t live with this_

_I’m sorry_

_I’m so sorry_

_Come back_

_Please_

_Just come back to me_

_I-_

_I need you_

_I can't live without you!_

_I love you_

_Please_

_Just let me tell you one more time_

_Let me hear it one more time_

_I love you_

_I'm here_

_I'm never going to leave you_

_I'm yours forever_

_I'll never forget you_

_I'll stay_

_For you._

 

 

_I'm sorry._

 

     "Come back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this was short. I couldn't write anymore. it hurt too much. 
> 
>  
> 
> i'm lost too


	14. Twelve Months Prior Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> strap in, this is a super fucking heavy one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> notice the tag change. 
> 
>  
> 
> **HUGE TRIGGER WARNING**  
>   
>  ** _explicit suicide, panic attack, implied/referenced self-harm, strong guilt, dissociation_**  
> 

     "No, no no no NO!" Keith rushed to Lance's side, pulling him onto his knees. Lance's body was limp, and his head rolled as Keith pulled him closer. Keith leaned to rest his head on Lance's chest, listening for any hint of breathing or a heartbeat. There was none.

     "Lance, Lance please," Keith cried, tears already spilling from his eyes. "Wake up, love, please, wake up! Stay with me!" He received no reply. "No no no no," Keith sobbed, pulling Lance to his chest. "Lance, please." 

     Lance didn't move. Lance would never move again. Keith sobbed into Lance's arm as he held him, rocking back and forth. Keith couldn't understand it. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. Lance promised. 

     "You promised! Please, Lance, please!" His grief took over, and he was left unable to speak. He wanted to call for help. He wanted to believe that Lance would just need a trip to the hospital, and he'd be ok. He wanted to believe that Lance wasn't unresponsive. He wanted to believe that Lance wasn't cold. He wanted...

      _NO_

_no_

_it can't_

_this can't be happening_

_this isn't real_

_its all just some sick joke_

_he's ok_

_he's alive_

_lance_

He wanted to believe that Lance wasn't dead. 

     Lance was dead. Lance was gone. Keith struggled to breathe. Everything was collapsing. His life was crumbling. The love of his life, his best friend, his _soulmate,_ was dead. Keith's whole body shook, and his vision was blurry. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. He couldn't feel anything. His senses were gone. He was gone. 

     It was just two empty shells lying on the floor of the bedroom, accompanied by an empty bottle of pills. Keith couldn't process anything. It was like he was floating. It was like someone had possessed his body and kicked him out from it. 

     There he floated. He watched as his body sobbed into his lover's unmoving chest. He watched as his fingers ran through his lover's hair. He watched as his hands picked up his phone. He watched as his mouth spoke the words he had only ever heard in nightmares. 

     Later, he watched as Shiro pulled his body from Lance's. He watched as Shiro sat him on the couch. He watched as Mrs. McClain rushed in the door with tears streaming down her face. He watched as he walked back up to Lance's room. He watched as Mrs. McClain screamed at him to get out. He watched as Shiro led him into the car. 

     He watched as his world fell apart.

     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck this hurt to write. 
> 
> i'm sorry. and, if it seems out of character for lance's mom, it's because i'm not writing her. i'm writing _his_ mom. she was not as kind as mrs mcclain. 
> 
> suicide hotline 1-800-784-8433


	15. The Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith reads Lance's note.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah, thank you for 1k hits :)
> 
>  
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING**  
>  _suicide note, implied/referenced self harm, suicidal thoughts/talk, implied/referenced suicide_

_~~Dear Keith,~~ _

_~~Love,~~ _ ~~~~

_Keith,_

_As you can see, I didn't know how to start this letter. I hate myself for even writing it. I know what writing it means. It means I'm going to be finaly gone. It means that when you're reading this, I am gone._

_I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I know it's selfish, because i'm so damn selfish. It hurts too much, Keith. It fucking hurts. I want to be happy. I want to be me!_   _Shit, I don't even know who I am anymore. Maybe I never did. Maybe even you didn't. You've just been dating this character that my brains made up and mad me be. I don't know. Maybe i'm just making shit up so it hurts less. it still just fucking hurts. I feel like  i'm dead already. it's like everything is already gone. my familys gone, your gone, everythings just fucking GONE._

_I'm sorry_

_I wish I was strong. I wish I could stay. I love you. Don't you dare blame yourself. I choose this. You didn't do this. You couldn't have saved me. No one can. I guess I really was weak as I thought, huh._

_Don't let me ruin your life. Forget me. Survive. I better not see you wherever he frick I'm gonna end up for quite a while or i'm gonna be pissed._

_Serious time, I guess. I have the pills ready to go. The rest of the notes are written. I'm ready. But I can't. For whatever reason, I can't force myself to swallow every last one of those capsules, but I can't force myself to throw them away either. Your contact is open on my phone. I want to call you. I can't. I'm sorry. I'm weak. I'm not as strong you. I'm not as strong as you always said I was._

      _I still remember when you first found out about my cutting. You were so calm about it. You were the first person I ever told-even before Hunk. I trusted you. I still trust you._

_I remember when I found yours. You didn't talk to me for a week. I think you were scared that I would think badly of you. That was stupid to think. I never would think badly of you. I loved you even back then. You were oblivious then too._

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't stay. I'm sorry I can't be strong enough._

_I love you, Keith. I love you so fucking much, and I'm so sorry I'm doing this to you._

_I love you._

 

_Lance._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two more chapters and ill be finally done


	16. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith visits Lance's grave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter after this!

     Keith stood in front of a fairly-new gravestone. The gravestone was one of many, surrounded by decades-old graves. This grave, however, had been there for a year. A year might seem like a while, but to Keith, it felt like mere moments. 

     "Hey, Lance," Keith said quietly. HIs voice was still hoarse, and his eyes were still red and puffy. "I visited the beach tonight. It was...nice, I guess. You would have liked it."

     Keith sighed and slumped down to sit on the ground. 

     "I still can't believe you're gone. It's been a year, but I still keep waiting to round a corner and you to pop out and yell 'boo' in my face." He chuckled. "I hated when you did that. Now, I would give anything for you to do it one more time."

     Keith scoffed. "That sounds stupid. This is stupid. I'm talking to a gravestone. What good is that going to do?" He shook his head, but still made no move to get up. "I'm sorry. I should have done more. I should've..." He sighed. "I can't keep doing this, can I? I'm just destroying myself too. I can't do that. I can't do that to Shiro, or Adam, or Pidge; I have to stay alive for them."

      Keith ran his fingers though his hair. "It's messed up to think, but I'm alive because of your killing yourself. You made me feel the worst pain I've ever felt in my life when you killed yourself, but you showed me with that that I can't make anyone else feel that because of me. It's a kinda crappy way to keep yourself alive, but, until I can live for myself, I'm glad you taught me that."

     The wind rustled the leaves on the trees. The sun started showing its light as Keith sat there. He talked to Lance for a while. He knew that Lance was gone and that he couldn't hear him, but it still comforted him somehow.

     "I think I'm going to try counseling. It might help. Shiro and Adam have been trying to get me to try it at least once the whole year, but I didn't want to. I think I just wasn't ready. Maybe I'm ready now. I guess we'll see." Keith got up and laid a hand on the gravestone. "I love you, Lance. I always will. Thank you for everything."

     With that, he took a deep breath and for the first time in a while, truly breathed. He was going to be ok. He was going to get through this. Someday, he would look back on this day and be proud of how strong he had become. 

      He was going to survive.

      No.

      He was going to thrive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, this has been quite a journey. when I started this fic, I was in keith's place. now, i'm better. it still hurts. it hurts like hell. but i'm getting better. i'm starting to live for myself. this fic has been good to be able to even see my progress with my mental health. 
> 
> anyway, i'll save the proper farewell for next chapter. see you next Friday!


	17. One Year Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> keith reflects on his journey of healing thus far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh it's finished! gentlemen, ladies, non-binary dasies, I present to you the first chaptered anything that I have ever finished. thank you for reading!!
> 
> this chapter [epilogue] requires no trigger warning in my opinion. leave a comment if you think otherwise, and I will certainly add one in :)

     Healing. It sounds like such hopeful and promising word. For Keith, it really was starting to look that way. It had been two years since Lance's death, and he was healing. 

     It started with accepting that Lance's dead was not Keith's fault. Lance had chosen to kill himself; Keith didn't drive him to do that. There was nothing more Keith could have done.

     Once he accepted that, he could work on his own mental health. The grieving process was long and hard, and still was continuing to be, but he was getting through it.

     He was in counseling after persuasion from Shiro, and so far, it was really helping. He finally had someone that he could confide in without having to worry about them or what they'd think. His counselor didn't judge him. Instead, they tried to get him to see how to help himself.

     As it had gone on, he had started to actually want to get help for himself, and not just for his family and friends. He wanted to get better. He wanted to live. 

     He was starting to smile more. He was starting to laugh uncontrollably. He was starting to enjoy life again.

     It wasn't all good. He still had nights when the grief and loneliness threatened to overtake him. He still had days when he couldn't bare to day anything but lie in bed. He still had times when he'd just start crying for seemingly no reason. 

     Things weren't wonderful, but they were better. They were better, and he was better. 

     Keith no longer just saw himself as Shiro's adopted brother, or Lance's boyfriend, or Pidge's friend, or the problem kid who got expelled. For the first time in a while, he was able to step back and see himself for who he was. Keith Akira Kogane. He was here, and he was here to stay. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who has come along on this ride with me. this fic started as a much needed vent, but ended up turning into something different.  
> i'm healing, like keith. i'm not okay yet, but I will be.  
> this fic and all of its [and my] supporters have been a huge help in that. your support means the world to me. i am glad to be finishing this fic, and entering a new era of my journey. i hope this may help others do the same.  
> thank you again for reading, and please feel free to check out my other voltron fics/various fandom fics/original works!
> 
> have a great day/night!!
> 
> <3333

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave and comments/concerns/questions/constructive criticism for me. I am always looking to improve, and you can help me do just that.


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